I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
