i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
