I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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