Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
