We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
