party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
