The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
