could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize