Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
