You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
