my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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