I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
