I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
