we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
