seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize