Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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