he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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