i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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