My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
