just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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