he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
