its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
