Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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