It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
