Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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