the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
