Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
