Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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