Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
