i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
