I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
