Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize