Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
