I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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