it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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