NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
