Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
