That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You ruined the universe
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
