Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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