Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
