So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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