the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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