as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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