i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
