i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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