I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize