i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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