im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
