No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i drank out of a bidet.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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