I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize