I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Are we still banned from the library?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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