I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
