I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
