Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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