halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
