Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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