Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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