I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
