I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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