Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
