First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
