Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
