you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How does one acquire holy water?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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