omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
