I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
