We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
