it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
